life Archives - MyCoWe

One morning I woke up replaying an argument I had a few days ago and I lived with that thought playing in my head the whole day. This became normal after a few weeks. I couldn’t tell I was doing this, a few months down and it was habit before I realised. It’s a dark space to be in, I can see now that I’m not there anymore. Over thinking had become very natural to me and I didn’t want to call it depression. It’s a taboo, right?, to have depression and talk about it. I mean not everyone thinks it’s okay. Not even today.

From this dark space my mind could only operate like that, but from another view I knew I’m blessed beyond imagination. How do you decide in the worst second of your mood that you need to be seeing life from the sunny-beach eyes and not from some cold-cave-hollow-eyes(exaggerated)?

It was the urge to live better and fulfilled but knowing what I deserve. Know your worth, that you deserve to feel good. My sister passed me on this advice she got -“if you know you’re doing the right thing, don’t let anything that anyone says or does affect you”. What does your conscience tell you?

I think talking to her, sharing my space and taking help was the main thing. Need to know that I deserve better. Sulking, believing in the negative words voiced at you, playing victim, beating yourself up mentally, letting yourself think your life is controlled, it was all exhausting me and I could tell by the way I felt. I wanted better. A few friends heard me out, some pushed me away. I wasn’t giving up.

A while back I wrote about how I want to have a fulfilled experience of life and not just chase happiness. No emotions are wrong or bad. It’s the way we deal with it. Over time I’ve learnt to not resist any emotions. Feel it, leave the thought behind and just pick myself up and move.

Do everything in my capacity to get back up for me.

So it’s not like I’m mentally on the beach all the time, I still have rough moments in a day. I can choose to hold on to it and I can still add up everything that’s not happening the way I want it to. Every obstacle, everything that I’m being stopped from, every troubling incident that’s added to my memory like when you’ve added too much salt in your curry and you can’t take it out. Just trying to fix my curry as I pass every day.

The idea is to not fix the curry, the salt is already added you trying to fix it is only going to make things worse. Just accept and make a new one.

Once I know I’m not able to think clearly I tell myself to “reroute”. Keep a list at hand -Dark chocolate(its magic), call sister, call a friend, take a shower, blare music, get a walk, Netflix, binge watch comedy videos (Sunil Grover) and read some inspiring stories online, . Not running away but just giving my mind some timeout, because when you’re emotional it’s not easy to tell the difference between sea breeze and cave chills.

So may we help each other in rough seas and pick ourselves up when there’s no one around, because who doesn’t like beaches.

Must Must Must watch this!!!

DO read! Very helpful!

https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/ways-cultivate-good-gut-bacteria-reduce-depression/

Like most Indian (paranoid) moms I have a beautiful lady for a mother and she loves her children, beyond anything I can explain. I was a fussy little brat when young—she still thinks I’ve not grown up an inch. I look at her toil everyday, every second, in her own way to make sure everything is smooth in our lives. I don’t see her complain about it; she is doing it selflessly. Sometimes I try to understand this attitude of endless giving. I can’t even comprehend it, secretly don’t want to. Mostly, because I cannot fathom being that selfless.

Selfless or even grateful for that matter. Whenever my demands are met, I wouldn’t express my gratitude as much. On the contrary, sometimes when I’m upset, I make a huge scene, blow it out of proportion and make sure the point is made. I wonder what gets into me. Without airbrushing any of my mistakes, I stand here being a total “dementor” (Refer: Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling). I can’t even imagine being in her place.

Most of us are very ambitious and goal driven. I feel every one wants to achieve something in life. Go somewhere, do something great, leave a mark and get noticed. What about mothers? (Long pause to think)

I love children and I wave at every kid I see, shamelessly ignoring their parents getting annoyed. I would love having my own kids some day. Oh! No! The idea of having a kid like myself, really shakes the ground in my imagination. What sort of a mother would I be? Would I thrash the living ghost out of the kid or spoil them with everything? What’s right? Who is going to tell me? The thought of putting myself in her shoes really got me blown away. Would I sacrifice my evening soap siesta to teach my children Hindi? Would I let my kids butt into every conversation I would have with my husband? I have no idea what in the world they are going to throw at me? A whole new ball game.

We always think moms should be this way, she should do this and not that. My mom doesn’t socialize much; I pester her to call her friends home. I put so much pressure on her. The over-smart side of me could write her a manual on “How to be my mom”. For a human to have tiny humans act smart is difficult for the ego to take. I know this because I have a tiny human for a brother who has shot up and doesn’t act tiny anymore. Now if the tiny human has come out of your own body and is acting smart I would want to show them their place. What stops my mom from showing me mine?

On connecting the dots, I think that’s love. Her love for me is in my cells and my thoughts, my feeling, my words and even my bones. She doesn’t want to stop me, or doesn’t ever put me down. She knows I’m tough on her but she is so open to it. She is where I get my willingness, motivation to learn and be high on life. She has always been there for me even in my nastiest rebuttals. Sure it’s normal to argue with moms for a daughter. I still care, I care for her more than anybody in this world and sometimes the thought of not having her around someday to lie on her lap, brings tears to my eyes.

Mothers, they are your living walking, talking pillar of support and strength. I hope I’m better than a rainbow kooshball for mine. I know I haven’t been the best kid anyone would want, but my mom is irreplaceable to me. As I’m writing this I’m realizing the importance of feeling grateful for the people in your life, from every single cell. No one can be anything alone, you have a whole back up team helping you stand up from falls, dressing up your wounds and bringing the roof on your head for rainy days. So grateful for my people, especially my Mata! I LOVE YOU <3

Disclaimer: This article doesn’t imply that I’m planning to have kids now. I am still an overgrown kid trying to get perspective. I’m that kid who studies in the summer holidays even before the year starts.

Tag: life

Standing in my Mother’s Shoes