Tag: mentalhealth

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Vipassana

Vipassana July 2022

Reading Time: 5min

“You shoot me down but I won’t fall I am Titaiiiinnnnniiiiiuuuumm!” if you have not heard this song by David Guetta feat. Sia ..then you won’t get my emotions for why I wanted to go for Vipassana Meditation.

Physically I was doing everything in my power to be at my best— No Sugar (10+ years), Vegan (4 years), Gluten-free (4+years), Workouts, Active time, Fuelling well, Hydration, Fasting, Pranic Healing, Gut health— I went all out. Whereas, my mental game was not where I wanted it to be. 

In movies have you seen the protagonist being dragged on the ground with a rope tied to a vehicle/horse on the other end; with the villain in the driving seat? I felt like in my life-story I was being dragged like that, helplessly by some extreme situation, that was unexpected or against my expectations. First I would try and control the villain, in my case the situation, or my environment. If it was not in my control, I would give up my senses and be at the mercy of the situation. My mindset in these moments let my emotions take over me. 

I tried many approaches—Yoga, Stoicism, Landmark Education, Vedanta, Bhagwad Gita, Self-help books. It was insightful and transformational— it added a huge jump to my mental growth graph. Still, there was a missing link of ‘HOW?’— ‘HOW’ does one live in the present moment continually? HOW does one not have any attachment? HOW do you be compassionate? HOW do you ‘Be Positive’? And HOW do you create these mindsets permanently? Sometimes it seemed impossible to put to action when the villain came to play. 

One day it suddenly occurred to me that this Vipassana meditation has been on my bucket list for about 15 years now (I’m big on learning and growing so my bucket lists are a bit unusual). Why not do it now? I did not think it is going to be the thing I have been looking for, waiting for, seeking. A tool to create that mindset. 

So here I was, in middle of July 2022, a Chennai evening, sweating profusely (because I wasn’t dressed for the weather) in a hall with approx. 60 determined women. 

Challenge yourself

Some people told me “Are you sure you want to do this? It is not for the faint-hearted.” I actually went in, not knowing it will be that tough. For me, the challenge was sitting for 10+ hours and not having writing material for 10 days. I was actually memorising the things I want to write, once I am given my stuff. 
10 Days of zero communication with the world – The not talking bit was absolutely beautiful, as I was quite entertained by myself. Quite enjoyed my conversations with myself not being interrupted by work, people, noises or anything. Just me and my thoughts— I relished every second.. 
On the last day when we all got our phones, for 2 min I was looking at the object in my hand and wondering— ‘Oh! Yes, I have to unlock it, but how? How do you use this thing?’ It is beyond me how the mind can be altered in profound ways. The things you gain when you challenge yourself is the beauty of growth.

Pain is a part of life

Oh yes, on days 6-7 I was missing my mom hysterically. Also the reason I stuck to her for 4 hours when I got back. During meditation, I did have some huge soul-scratching moments, had me battling with the 5-year-old me, sometimes facing those emotions (that scrolling on Instagram made it stay in the background) and I was left dumbstruck by the nightmares, I used to have as a kid. It was still beautiful, the tears and all. 

Managing your expectations is the real maturity

Before writing here, I wanted to wait and see if I slip up on what I’ve learnt after I come back. I was at Dhamma Setu, Chennai and there they had a whole South Indian menu. Which I love. So I had a good experience, even being Vegan and Gluten-free wasn’t hard. Still, I did not expect that we would be allowed a single serving of only one fruit every day. On a regular, my body depends on fruits (natural sugar) so I told myself it is just 10 days. My goal is different, so I can accommodate.
Been about 2 weeks since and after I got back I could sense a few people looking at me with an evaluating eye— ‘Did she get enlightened?’ Silly NO! I  learnt a new technique and that’s it for now. If I put in the work and practice what they taught me I know this will be the reason why my life turns to better roads. To have new tools is exciting and to be able to up-skill is even more so. If you are fit mentally, many people will be saved from the drama that you bring in their lives. If you are looking to upgrade your Mental game—that’s it you are home. 

What exactly is Vipassana then?

This course is no time pass, it is simple HARD work and it is scientific, methodical and has a very systematic approach to understanding the mind-matter phenomenon. The technique will help you see through to the beginnings of your patterns, equip you to break those patterns, tools to automate living in the present moment and get clarity.  It is a science that can be practically experienced and I just got a sip of this understanding. A great discovery by Gautam Buddha sitting under a tree and meditating in Bodh Gaya. It is what Buddhism is all about— it really made me change my perspective about Buddhism, I truly felt this is a universal scientific discovery and it should be taught in schools.

After having to follow a strict schedule of waking at 4:00 AM, meditating for about 10 hours a day, eating 2 meals and a snack (as being served) and following complete silence and no communication with anybody, not even eye contact. Here I am yelling in my head now— “I did it!” just like I had many years back when I overcame the fear of falling from a plane mid-air. This is Vipassana, excruciatingly beautiful and it is GOLD!

I attended the course with about 60 women, (men in the other quarters don’t have a count) each of them very different from the other (age, language, occupation, etc). I don’t see why YOU cannot do it. It is for everyone. If we can, You can. 

To Being bulletproof! 

Buddham Saranam Gacchami।
Dhammam Saranam Gacchami।
Sangham Saranam Gacchami।

Special Credits to S.N. Goenka for getting this technique back to the world and how! This man will make you laugh every day and get you to do the work. To the Sangha for supporting his work and letting the Dhamma spread to one and all. 
Susheela Chudiwala- Facilitating Teacher
Kaali, Maala, Aditi- Dhaama Servers
All my fellow Vipassana inmates
Chennai Dhamma Setu
July 2022

LINK To START RIGHT AWAY: If you can spare 10 min every day 
https://www.dhamma.org/en/about/mini_anapana

LINK To Read more about the Vipassana Course:
Vipassana Meditation

An old post from  , where I tried to just be silent for a day, because I never thought I would be allowed to go for this course. (I still was not allowed).

A meeting with Silence
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From ZEE’s point of view -Anxiety

A feeling of worry or fear, especially about the future

Hypthetical human – MR. ZEE
Acrophobic- Fear of heights 

Zee was on ground level and I told him about looking up at the man standing on a high rise building. He immediately dipped his head low and ignored me. It totally unsettled his mind when I coaxed further. For Z bungee jumping and sky diving is a complete nightmare. 

(Now my sadistic mind HAHA) —I have this weird thought—What if someone would put Zee on a plane and prepares him to jump but not let him actually take the jump -for hours. What would that experience be like for him? 

That’s dwelling in the fear of height. Dwelling there in the fear is what aggravates the problem. 

What we do with our future is the same what Zee experiences with heights. The difference is that Zee can jump off some day with a parachute and overcome his fear of height. How do you land yourself into the future to know exactly what will happen and fix it? 

Ummm…

Yes, that’s exactly what we want. We want to know if anything will go wrong and we want to fix it before it happens. We want a guarantee for everything. “Subject to market risks and conditions” —Whoever thought saying that line fast is cool—(Major eye rolling).

PLANS

“You are not great because you can plan. You are great because your plan can evolve with changing times.”
mycoffeeweather  

For the longest time, I had this phobia of plans failing. (not atychiphobia exactly). It was like, nothing I plan should fail and my goal should be achieved in the way I had planned things. Seems so fanciful. The aim was to get to the destination, but I loved planning so much that I attached myself to the plan I chose. Knowing it’s all about the enjoying journey; but the need to obsess over my plans made me control the journey. Control Freeaakkk! 

Hehe! Not anymore.

Imagine someone falling from a chair! Wouldn’t you laugh out loudly? Plans failing should have the same reaction if we were not too attached to the plan. We are not our plans- plans failing doesn’t mean that we failed. We are still the ones who can plan better now that we know how not to fall from the chair. And we can still look back and laugh at it. 

Plans need to restructure as per every probable future. Even if your plans are flexible and you can adapt to any change, there will always be an unknown factor to the future. 

COPING WITH THE UNKNOWN:

Keep it simple 😉 —Eyes on the prize! And keep checking your form(plans), correcting your form (restructuring your plans) and getting better on the way. Because no one likes an undeserving win, even you’ll hate getting your prize without paying the price for it. Once you know you cannot control the journey or fixate on one single plan —you will easily accept any future that is thrown on you. 

Now a lot of people just sit back and blame the situation (Arey corona aa gaya na, that’s why no gym) and give up on the goal. You failed to restructure your old plan. Locus of control remember the 4th week of Monday Real talk on insta. You’re responsible for your goals. Plans can fail as per outside situation, let that go and you still have to own up for the part you play in the journey. 

ANXIETY DISORDER 

I’m no GURU and this really is a medical condition, which needs to be treated clinically or through therapy. My personal experience says any disorder stems from a habit we develop over time. When you’ve actually allotted a room to this fear in your head. It starts living in you. It affects your livelihood and relationships. 

Prevention is cure 

Having counter balancing habits before dwelling in the fear becomes a habit—is the preventive way. We sort of know where it stems from. We only need to battle it out with love and empowerment. 

—“I am healthy and fine and if something happens we’ll plan as per that.” Practical and assuring. 

—“I’m investing in this now it seems good, we’ll keep checking if it seems a bad buy we’ll let it go and take it from there.” Healthy attitude. 

—“I am doing my best, if I find a different way which works I’ll try that too.” No panic! 

Just like how Z ignored my request to look up at a high rise building—throw some attitude to your fears. It’s like an unwanted guest. It’s okay to have them at your door visiting dropping-off reality-checks. Just don’t let them come live with you. 

SEEK HELP FROM YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS and PROFESSIONALS

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Power Is Always Free

I keep scrolling through Instagram all day! (Honest confession to start with). The funny part is that, it looks like Instagram is scrolling through my life all day too. Is it ‘What you’re seek is seeking you’— sort of relationship!? Or have I let Instagram take control over my life? How do I know where my power is?

I hit upon this Information which said “If you’re not a powerlifter, Don’t train like one. Just because “power” is in the title doesn’t mean it develops power where YOU need it. Power is not a universal quality.” (This was under a body functionality building account) Dr. Andreo Spina!

Some bodies are short and petite an excellent requirement for Ballet or Gymnastic. Some are built and tend to gain muscles easily- great for weightlifting. Every human has different strengths and weaknesses. We don’t play on this because, we are firstly not taught how to be aware of it. Do you know what your strengths and weaknesses are? (Samosa is my weakness, but I’m talking about the characteristic weaknesses). That’s what controls most of our behavioral patterns. 

Stop here! ….mentally jot down only two of your strengths and weaknesses. If you play comfortable and make your weaknesses sound like strengths, then there’s no point. Being emotional in every situation can be a weakness, if it is coming in the way of making realistic goals. But if you put it like— “I’m in touch with my emotional sense” You play comfortable and make your weakness look good. So now if you see your list and your strengths are still coming in the way of a practical decision, then you’re not doing it right. 

Let me suggest here- I’d swear by this article to figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Absolute best thing I’ve come across in a long time. https://articles.bplans.com/how-to-identify-your-strengths-and-weaknesses/

So once you’ve done some digging and discovered about yourself- It now makes sense to assess your power. Power is your ability to direct or influence others or a course of event. Most of us are control freaks in some aspects of our lives or the other- Why? Because Powerpuff girls/ Power Rangers! Power craving mentality was drilled into us from a young age. The acknowledgement received or pride in becoming captains or leaders in school, the limelight of being noticed in college, or the ‘making it big in life’, they call it “living the good life”. Everyone wants to be on top!

So you have to choose, playing by your strengths and weaknesses what power is accessible to you. If your strength is extrovert personality and your weakness is convincing people- Then if you choose to be a leader, you’re just going to sound like a rock band to Classical opera listeners. 

How do you then play your cards, without losing your power? A) You could work on your weaknesses and then harness the power from one source- say EFG. B) Meanwhile, harness power elsewhere from source JKL, where your weaknesses don’t come in the way. This way, you never run out of power and you’re always feeling upbeat. 

Harnessing Power from source JKL may look very lucrative but it’s not a great idea if you’re not equipped for its voltage. Let me tell you that most of the celebrities were pretty average all their lives before they made it big. Drop outs in school or a nobody at some point in time. They were busy working on their skill sets that would set them apart. Toiling and crashing and rebuilding like a phoenix. I have no better example than Mr. Akshay Kumar for this. Read about his life story to understand how he gave flops back to back and learnt from his failures to be one of the richest celebrities in India.

It’s great to be Power hungry or striving to be the best, and if you’re doing it right, you could even change your fate from a Chai-waala. Start by noticing your conversations that’s where we first lose our power. The whole concept of “I” and “me” is egoistic and coming from that space you’ve already given away your power. Since a person in power has an ability to influence; only if you are a person of “WE” over “I”, will others be open to the influence. I would trust someone’s intentions and allow them to influence me, if I know they want mutual benefit. 

I personally always attacked a situation with a Self-defensive attitude and protecting my interests. Most of my conversations in a conflict did not consider a win-win situation. This has left me stuck and powerless, because the other person becomes defensive too and we both want to grab our seats rather than meet mid–way. When I talk to my younger brother I tend to have this approach because of my ego not letting me see beyond my elder status and the gender bias is my instrument of defence. A win-win would be me being able to see the bigger picture where he gets his way (because I don’t use it to get my way) and I get my way because he now trusts me for protecting his interests.

Power is not achieved by feeding your ego, power is achieved by starving it. So Unlock your Power. Work on your weaknesses even in conversations (like mine was ego), to feel empowered by first empowering others. Power feeds power, just like I said “What you’re seeking, is seeking you!”

Power is Power within
Unlock your Power —it’s within.
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Dive Deep

In one of those weekly fights with my elder sister (when we were really young), for a change my mom had taken her side. I was furious and not knowing how to channel my anger, I put some home-made scrub into the back pockets of her jeans, that were hanging behind the bathroom door. That doused my anger immediately and I went about my days and forgot, until it was found out. I have surely been as annoying as an alarm clock to my siblings, more than they deserved and I didn’t feel even a pinch of guilt. (**Asian Sky shop moment- I am a changed person now). Maisie Williams (Acted as Arya Stark in Game of thrones) had a problem feeling her emotions and facing them, during a short period of time. On-screen and off-screen, she couldn’t get herself to cry.

Maisie Williams as Arya Stark of Winterfell

The internet gets truck loads of posts everyday, telling you- how to manage your anger and control it; not be upset and how to find true happiness; remain calm and not over-react; and there is a one-sided opinion. We are biased towards different feelings; branding half of them to be negative and the others to be positive. The downside to this partiality in our mind-set is that, we are never accepting to the situation at hand and resist it just to avoid the ‘defamed feelings’. 

This makes me think of the black and white symbol of Yin and Yang. We need both black and white to balance out our emotional self and feel whole. Never are we always happy or always sad; that’s unnatural. Even when we are happy we do have reasons to feel sad but we have more reason to be happy. Even when we are sad we do have reason to be grateful and happy, but in this moment we are acknowledging the grief. The curvy line in the symbol signifies that there are no absolute separations between the two opposites. Similarly, I don’t think there is a defined line as to our emotions and we can switch over when ever we want. 

Have you ever gone scuba diving or underwater in a submarine? It’s a strange experience. Underwater the same colours are seen as darker or as a different shade (watch video- link for the same). We breathe through our mouth and cannot communicate except using hand gestures, in a dive. Even time seems to pass quickly when we’re inside. There is very little thinking and more observing; we almost forget ourselves for a bit. Synonymously different emotions make us see the world differently. Like the colours, the same people we love become our worst nightmares; Time flies when we are doing something we love and it seems a drag when we hate doing something; Anger makes us oblivious to everything, shortens the breath and we can’t focus on anything except ourselves, while bliss makes us want to indulge in things around us, breathe with ease and lose ourselves in the act. 

Staying underwater for long is not comfortable for new divers. Its takes time to understand how to manoeuvre and handle ourselves. We are not born with this knowledge but it’s learnt. It’s obviously not a mandate to learn to be a diver, but I see more people challenging themselves and getting coached to be professional divers. Why are we not diving deep into our emotional needs as a person? Resisting the discomfort of new and defamed emotions will never get us through. Validation and judgements, try and scare us away from being open to feeling everything. If we want to learn how to manoeuvre and handle ourselves through every emotion, we have to dive deep. 

We should wish that better things happen to us, but if it doesn’t then we might as well, get to know ourselves in the worst. When the situation calls for you to feel sad, angry, remorseful, unsatisfied, guilty, fearful, hateful, pissed off, frustrated, irritated, anxious and all those under-the-carpet feels; you be ready to feel it, just as readily we want to feel the opposite. That for me is being vulnerable to yourself first. If you can face your emotions, you’re better placed to manage sharing it with others. 

If we all hide our feelings and don’t express it, we wouldn’t be any different from robots. Vulnerability is defined as – “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” However, being vulnerable is credited to empowering you and giving you strength. Contradictory? The crux of it is that, if you have been through the drama; and know yourself through and through— you know you can handle the worst that will be thrown at you. Knowing that gives you confidence and strength to be bare and not hide any part of you. This comes only when you have experienced the feelings (that we resisted); let it come and let it go, leaving you a changed person. 

To all the Hit-and-Run drivers out there- the seriousness of not repeating a mistake, is felt only after being ashamed about it the first time? The fire and rage to fight all odds again, comes so easily when you have faced your failures. I was down with some illness for a month and recovery took another; which got me really weak and drained. I felt the emotion strongly at that point of time; angered and frustrated not having trained for two months. Getting back in the game after the frustration of two months couldn’t be more sweet. Let us allow ourselves to feeling everything we can, to diving in deeper waters only to come out, seeing the same lands with different eyes. 

This is from the last season of the Game of Thrones.
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Camp Out

I was in my single digit years where kids normally want to be treated older than their age. However, I was very content with, age not being a ‘thing’. My heart was like this butterfly fluttering at the slightest fragrance of fun, nature and outdoors. All this and my mind somehow felt stressed as years passed and I was meant to clock my hours at work, take up responsibility, be safe as a girl and not take risks by stepping out too much and basically “grow up”. I was physically growing up but mentally it was difficult to suddenly dissociate from this inner child in me who loves nature. 

It’s not that I was locked up by my circumstances but you could say I wasn’t getting outdoors as much. The only thing I cling on to and that keeps me sane is watching the sunrise every single day. Psychologically I tell myself one day the sun will rise, till then discipline and perseverance. So this weekend turned out to be a complete spinner. For many this would be normal and not a big deal, however, for me it was my FIRST CAMP EVER.

I put up a tent guys! You won’t believe, the tent even had my house number on it. When you are a hundred percent involved and immersed, the simplest thing can be extremely exciting. The ducks were immersed in their own dilemmas, walking to and fro. Ebony, Emma, Brunch, Snuffy and Nawab (The pet dogs of fellow campers) chased each other and splashed around in the pond to cool off from the drive. Nikhil, the most enthusiastic child I’ve ever seen, was neck deep with the pups and the brown colour of the water didn’t bother him. As children we don’t have much inhibitions I guess. We could be tossing the world in our hands and not be worried about the weight of its fears.

By evening there were a few groups chit chatting, settling in with Pakoda and chai. And then there was basically “do nothing” time. Sanya and family got the party started (in a very smirn off way) before restlessness got the better hand. Sudeep sang, played the mouth organ and guitar all simultaneously as we sat around the bonfire and eyed the barbeque every few seconds. Just some music, good people, food and stars; we don’t need too much and carry so much we don’t need, even emotionally.

As an ice-breaker we were supposed to sing along but we didn’t do any justice. Wonder if it was just hunger holding us back or adult-ing. The things that stops us gets toppled off like dominoes, with the fall of the first tile, which is Abolut-etly what every one waits for, to feel free. Though the barbecue had turned to disappointing fried pakodas, we were happily rambling on about everything under the roof and sky. So what is that magic ingredient that could make you loosen up 24/7; bring the child out in us? Can we be the talkative freaks we all are, without any catalysts (and Biras)? Or have we completely irreversibly lost the child in us in the everyday crowd of work and duties?

Half of them retired and the remaining soldiers lay down on the tarp sheet and counted down stars, arguing if the biggest star there, was a satellite or a planet. When was the last time you had this kind of an intense controversial conversation? I could hardly sleep on that and was up again at 5AM watching the Full moon set, right in time to catch the sunrise on the other side. We saw a few birds and their behaviour, tadpoles leaving circles in the pond as the came up for air together. This is it, it’s magical for me, like life was a blessing to experience. It’s the one purpose we are all born for, to relish this beauty with our eyes and leave behind a better world. 

Wound up with a long drive on beautiful scenic Mysore road. There was hardly any time to frown or whine about all the things that didn’t workout. Lacking any filters and speaking our minds; going all out, acting as per will and hardly cribbing— aren’t these the very traits we should retain as adults, or is that not a part of growing up? As I’m lying on my bed at home thinking about this weekend, this moment (now part of my reminiscing files) feels like a drop of water in a dessert. I could live with this memory for a good few weeks till it gets doused out by mundane routines. Going back to doing what I totally loved gave me a breath of new air, along with fresh perspectives. I don’t know about growing up but I’m definitely going to let my heart camp out on feeling like life is worth every beat.

Special mentions- Best company -Shrishti Choudhary (friend and niece, can drive beautifully)/ Camp leader- @aashishcrezi(great job),

organised by- https://campmonk.com you have to approach them for a camp to know what I am talking about.

@campmonk at PIN DROP MYSTERY CAMP
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Are you Breathing?

Einstein’s theory of relativity states that light travels in the same speed in vacuum and air. It is not affected by the speed at which the observer is travelling. Sun being a constant and the biggest source of light, we took our relative movement in comparison to the sun and invented TIME. Earth is revolving and rotating and doing its dance around the Sun and the sun stands and watches; it’s light spreading constantly in all directions. If I say I’m forty years old, relatively I have moved that many times around the Sun.

What if I did not want to measure my life based on earth’s orbital show. What if I wanted to measure my life based on other things, being completely oblivious to time? What is the one thing constant in our body? Sun is a source of energy and we have a source of energy inside us too. If sun is producing light which served as a constant and common measurement for the entire planet system, then breath is the common measurement for our body and its microorganisms; the source of life. How many breaths did you take in the last hour? I don’t think you noticed.

There are at least five or six times I catch myself not breathing, in the entire day. Mentally so occupied that my involuntary activities stop being involuntary. That’s one way my body tries to get attention— “Let’s stop breathing and see if she notices the work that goes in to keep her alive.” Does that happen to you? Or is it just me who is being played at?

There was a time when I was meditating regularly, now I’m just not doing it (No reasons attached). Back then, I had very few moments of thoughtlessness and it felt awesome. It’s like someone put me on standby. My breathing would flow effortlessly and it was just that. Existing for a few minutes, no judgement. 

What if we are born to do just that? Breathe and exist. We have all been trained to— “don’t just exist, live every second like it’s your last.” I see now why our dogs are not as stressed as we are. Hours of lounging around the living room, under the bed, under the dining table and at the door of the kitchen. We don’t do this kind of lounging. We are hustlers now, ruled by FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). 

There is cost we pay to hustle which is not being promoted as much. There is something called the flight-or-fight response and we are subconsciously always on fight mode. We are so used to putting ourselves through stressful situations that our body forgets to turn it off. The body’s response to stress is releasing hormones that help you fight; which has a tumble down effect. Increased heartbeat and breathing, rise in blood pressure and more glucose goes into the blood to release energy which helps us fight the situation. Answer to diabetes may be. 

So is meditation the answer? To escape this ‘Fire-in-the-Mountain-Run-Run-Run’ attitude to life. Hatha Yoga has taught me so much and this too — being conscious in movement and to slow down; simple. Slow is the new fast, relax is the new hustle, letting go is the new FOMO. I still remember Dj’s(My Yoga teacher) words “Flow like honey”. A simple thing like brushing your teeth, you could bring your mind completely to it. The bristles dragging on the surface of your enamel and slow it down. Or chewing consciously every bite, feeling the samosa getting crushed and making its way inside. Just like how they talk your body into relaxing in Shavasana; you need to do that with smaller activities throughout the day, everyday.

Mindfulness is just that, to slow down life and let seconds blur out into minutes, minutes into hours. Going about your day mindfully will improve your concentration, save your brain from burning out, help you make better decisions and your reflexes will be better, you will also have more reaction time to any given situation.

While for the sages in mountains, who have given up worldly ways of living, days don’t even measure into hours. They are not dependant on the earth dancing around the sun. Their mind is focusing on the breath and its flow. In a world without ‘Time’ a recipe would instruct‘time-taken’as 79 breaths; the delivery will be done in 300 breaths and you have been using your phone for 154960 breaths. Would that make you more conscious of the way you want to use your breaths? Being unaware of our last breath, makes it even more important to salvage each one of them. We may not be ready to leave for the mountains yet, till then we should stop glorifying being busy and keep checking on ourselves ‘am I breathing?’ 

Sometimes you should just be:

Evdy Bawdy Chillax Maan

I’m not saying meditation can now be evaded. We may not be able to sit and do it everyday, as diligently, so instead of chasing perfection just slow down. I even came across an exercise (picture) you can do in between work. It’s very effective and it’s like a quick charging when your battery is about to die. 

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Reroute

One morning I woke up replaying an argument I had a few days ago and I lived with that thought playing in my head the whole day. This became normal after a few weeks. I couldn’t tell I was doing this, a few months down and it was habit before I realised. It’s a dark space to be in, I can see now that I’m not there anymore. Over thinking had become very natural to me and I didn’t want to call it depression. It’s a taboo, right?, to have depression and talk about it. I mean not everyone thinks it’s okay. Not even today.

From this dark space my mind could only operate like that, but from another view I knew I’m blessed beyond imagination. How do you decide in the worst second of your mood that you need to be seeing life from the sunny-beach eyes and not from some cold-cave-hollow-eyes(exaggerated)?  

It was the urge to live better and fulfilled but knowing what I deserve. Know your worth, that you deserve to feel good. My sister passed me on this advice she got -“if you know you’re doing the right thing, don’t let anything that anyone says or does affect you”. What does your conscience tell you? 

I think talking to her, sharing my space and taking help was the main thing. Need to know that I deserve better. Sulking, believing in the negative words voiced at you, playing victim, beating yourself up mentally, letting yourself think your life is controlled, it was all exhausting me and I could tell by the way I felt. I wanted better. A few friends heard me out, some pushed me away. I wasn’t giving up.

A while back I wrote about how I want to have a fulfilled experience of life and not just chase happiness. No emotions are wrong or bad. It’s the way we deal with it. Over time I’ve learnt to not resist any emotions. Feel it, leave the thought behind and just pick myself up and move. 

Do everything in my capacity to get back up for me. 

So it’s not like I’m mentally on the beach all the time, I still have rough moments in a day. I can choose to hold on to it and I can still add up everything that’s not happening the way I want it to. Every obstacle, everything that I’m being stopped from, every troubling incident that’s added to my memory like when you’ve added too much salt in your curry and you can’t take it out. Just trying to fix my curry as I pass every day. 

The idea is to not fix the curry, the salt is already added you trying to fix it is only going to make things worse. Just accept and make a new one.

Once I know I’m not able to think clearly I tell myself to “reroute”. Keep a list at hand -Dark chocolate(its magic), call sister, call a friend, take a shower, blare music, get a walk, Netflix, binge watch comedy videos (Sunil Grover) and read some inspiring stories online, . Not running away but just giving my mind some timeout, because when you’re emotional it’s not easy to tell the difference between sea breeze and cave chills.

So may we help each other in rough seas and pick ourselves up when there’s no one around, because who doesn’t like beaches.

Must Must Must watch this!!!

DO read! Very helpful! 

https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/ways-cultivate-good-gut-bacteria-reduce-depression/

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Attached

I have a million other topics but this one is long due in my subconscious. Board games were a thing a while back and getting one on your birthday meant something. I used to carry it with me all day, tucked under my arm; While eating, while going to play outside, till I’d leave for school and once back, even to bed. I wasn’t a teddy bears or dolls kind of person, just this one, if I was attached to anything, I’d literally glue it on to me. I don’t know of anyone that clingy to be honest. I couldn’t get to sleep without holding my mom’s index finger the whole night. I don’t know where I lost this trait of mine, kind of. Okay, getting there.

Attachment is something you don’t understand when you’re that young, and as we grow older we do start associating with different things. I see people are attached to work routes or jogging routes. I know of people who are attached to certain food (rice, potatoes). People attach themselves to people, which I thought is pretty normal, but that’s a perspective. There is another take on it. Sometimes even attaching to thought patterns or ways of doing things, like waking up from one side of the bed or having fixed seats on your dining table (hate much?). Smallest of things can become an integral part of your life and it becomes a habit to have those things or people in your life. For me that’s attachment as I’ve grown older.

This article was totally inspired by my swimming goggles. Served me for more than a decade and managed to snap after bearing for one last swim. I can say I was totally amazed at how I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. I put it in one corner of my room for keeps, oh souvenir­–I told myself. If you’re really reading you know this isn’t about the goggles. Don’t we do the same with people? Hold on to them till the last thread and still keep hoping for something to happen. What is it like to just let go?

It was one of those house parties (party at home) I don’t remember what was the celebration but we’d planted helium balloons tied to stones outside our house. I wouldn’t do that today as I’ve seen too much on how balloons affect other animals once they’re up and away and land somewhere we don’t even see. Although, my take from that night was when my niece and nephews were so excited to just grab some and let go. Look at the helium slowly rise up, taking the balloon with it. I could sense their feeling only to make a relative sense out of it.

Imagining everything I have ever attached myself to, flying away in that thick night air, not caring to look back at me or plead at me to not let go. All this while, it was all up to me to just know that I wanted this. To loosen my grip on those thoughts, watch it drift. The thoughts like helium are meant to rise up, only if we choose to let the strings lose. Taking with it all our sense of baggage and leave us feeling lighter than ever. May be we are meant to always feel like that but we want to be the stones holding the balloon to the ground. What satisfaction in being stones? Feeling under control maybe, having some kind of authority. Is it worth it though?

I got this in complete clarity only by reading “The Immortal talks” by Shunya. Its something I will hold-on to till my last breath. Or till I know I want to let go.

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When we attach something we make it a part of who we are, give it identity. This is Jerry’s phone, or this was Lata’s idea. The phone or idea, or object is belonging to someone and the ownership makes us feel important. We created it or used it for a purpose and after that purpose is served we can keep the memory or learning (in our lumbar minds- Sherlock Holmes), remove what’s not needed. How do you know if you’re too attached? Just try letting go. If its easy then may be you don’t have to abandon it, if not definitely time to make the move.

I have read that only an empty cup can be filled again. It never made sense until now. Only if we detach from our unfulfilling attachments can we be ready to receive other things, learn new thing, meet new people, see new places. (If mom’s reading I’m still voting for Coorg AGAIN! That’s a different context. Next time may be a new place.). Try jogging from a different route everyday, I did this and I’m telling you its liberating in its own smallish way. Try new cuisines and vegetables you’ve hated all your life; you never know your taste buds might surprise you. Why should there be a wrong side to roll out of bed. Roll out from all sides, everyday choose a different one. See life from different angles and that’s going to happen only if you turn the kaleidoscope, in different directions not if you are hypnotized by one design. Just saying, I’m not keeping the broken goggles, it served me well. I’m Grateful and time for new ones!

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https://www.amazon.in/dp/8193305205/?m=A30ML99BADFZ9Y

Buy the book already!!! And if I’ve gifted it to you read it already!

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Diwali Purging

I’m back to my annual cleaning for Diwali, donating things I don’t use, arranging things, organizing, changing the liners in my cupboards and making space for good things to come in. I got this crazy idea synonymously. This is just the external environment we refresh annually; a lot of people do it for Christmas. Physically our bodies do it with the help of our kidneys and liver, which detox naturally (I just have to relate things to health after all). What about the mind? The mind works more and we are always using it. How about removing thoughts we don’t need? Arranging the limited thoughts that are useful and organizing them mentally (jotting it down). Making space for new thoughts to come in.

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For all of us over-thinkers, I guess we’re just very materialistic in terms of the mind. Hoarding things is bad enough, we hoard thoughts, imagine how crammed our brains get. So the essential question here is “how” to de-clutter your mind and remove thoughts you don’t need?

I was at a point of time where a thought once held in my mind, it just got pasted there and won’t leave no matter what. It was like compulsive thinking. Feeling like a rat on a glue patch, I would go on attaching myself to it and all my idle time would drown me in it. Obsessive thought process is like a bald man buying too many combs and hair brushes. How did I come out of this?

When I was growing up I didn’t like yoga classes and I just couldn’t sit still. I can still remember the expression of Mrs.Dolly (my yoga teacher) every time I’d peek open my eyes in meditation. She had given up on me. It grew on me only recently, so much that I want to write about it.

I gradually moved into loving meditation since, one of the yoga sessions; we were told by our instructor, Deepti, to listen to different sounds lying in shav asana. The cycle bell went off, then I could hear a bus whizzing away till its sound faded in the distance. Someone was leaving, so the door opened and closed. It wasn’t like the usual relaxation but we were supposed to be actively focusing on things. It was annoying for someone who looks forward to the five minutes’ power nap. I realized only later that only my sense of hearing was active the whole time and the rest of the senses were on a holiday. Detaching the other senses made hearing smallest of sounds seem so natural.

Imagine detaching from all of your senses then. It doesn’t come naturally and takes years of meditation. There are Float therapies which put you in a sensory deprived state, yet to experience that one, for now I’m just incorporating meditating into my daily life.

I even had this weird idea that everywhere (at work, home, school or at the station) it would just be normal for people to stop whatever they were doing at a particular time of the day and meditate. Just like standardized time zones, living patterns, receiving newspapers, and many worldlier accepted habits, why not have a world over standard time for meditation.

I can only imagine how many people would still choose not to or not be able to, since it would be easier when everyone is doing it. It wouldn’t be something you need to teach anymore, since any child would see this from the day they are born and naturally want to imbibe it. Like how we can’t wait to start wearing watches and tell the time.

I picture my thoughts, like the yellow 3M post-its, knocking at my head. So meditating hasn’t stopped my thoughts or the knocking. Its just made it easier to hear the knocks and not answer the door. The knocking slows down and gets tired eventually. I now mostly let in (focus on) only the thoughts that help me live in a better way or become better at whatever I intend to do. Keeps my mental space roomy and airy enough to let the post its fly out when I’m done. This Diwali, or once in a while make sure you air out your mental space and use the right post-its to decorate your wall.

How to meditate has been answered by too many people but I’ve generally followed the Smile-and-sit technique for 10-15 min, also a few links bellow for whatever I’ve tried along the process.

Eat, Pray, Love- Elizabeth Gilbert 

Chanting Om-mani-padme-hum

Twin hearts meditation

Isha Kriya by Sadhguru

Disclaimer: The cover photo is not clicked by @mycoffeeweather Its available on the internet and its just got it edited as relevant to the article.