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Thoughts to words


When I was in the middle school I used to car pool with my cousins and everyday, as soon as I got even half of my bottom comfortable on the car seat, I would start with — “You know what happened today?” I had to blurt out everything. People said I had a small tummy, I couldn’t keep things inside. It would be stories about a girl putting maggi on someone’s head, Shirley throwing mud at my water bottle or Mrs. Christina aiming chalks on our forehead. Random. I knew my fellow passengers were not interested and that didn’t discourage me one bit. I loved talking; you won’t sense that if you’re a new person to me. If you know me, you’ll know I cannot seal my lips and my thoughts need to be transformed to words and given a direction.

From a talkative child to learning that silence is a good space sometimes; I still think conversations and language shape humans. Why do we humans have such a profound way of communicating and getting our information across to each other? No other living species have this power of understanding, memorizing and transferring information. We have evolved to the extent where we can talk to millions by just agressively typing through our phones.

I recently tried interacting on an app called Bumble! What? You’re judging me? I love a good insight or two. Conversations are the only way you can share anything and they lead to much learning. I didn’t meet too many interesting people on this though; it’s a phone application at the end of the day and I’m trying to cut my screen time. Honestly, an app is not the only place to find interesting people or mind-boggling conversations. I deleted it after two weeks. I’m sick of using gadgets, I could wrap my phone in newspaper and throw it in the sea, only it wont degrade.  

Wait! Are you reading this with people around you? I suggest you stop reading and get on with your parley. I see myself guilty too. Sometimes when I’m using my phone and suddenly I look up to find, I have let someone feel less important than a gadget. Eye contact is the single most important body language that shows you’re interested in a conversation. No! Not the creepy glue-eyed staring. The look-up-from-your-f-ing-phone eye contact. I miss the car-pool days where no one had phones and getting heard was not even a worry.

Sometimes I’m in a conversation which I want to leave. Like me, if you’re giving him/her the idea that you’re listening, popping your bubble— you’re lying to them. It’s not being ‘courteous’. The least you can do is politely leave the dialogue by excusing yourself. We have so many preferences in life but I see very few people have preferred conversations. Rambling on about your husbands, gossiping about barbaric loudmouths on some television coffee shows, interest in how your neighbour’s grandchild got into trouble, news feed on insignificant individuals leaving the gym in sponsored fitness wear, and the likes. Do we ever use the weighing scale to value our conversations? The judgement in our courts need to be just and true; what about the judgement of our conversations? Are you calling yourself in the dock for the choice of your words?

So conversations need to have direction. ‘What questions you ask’, ‘how you answer the questions posed on you?’, ‘what you choose to let pass’, ‘how you gauge the intension of the speaker and how you subtly get your intentions across’- these questions compass the talk. You can’t and shouldn’t be too mindful all the time but if you be a little conscious it helps in keeping the coasts clear of any unwanted boats.

If you know me for a long time you’ll know I’m not that car-pooling person anymore. I do have moments of that inner child but I don’t feel the need to keep yammering. Let silence do the talking and in between add some words. The funnier the words the better.

We can have a conversation with ourselves and that’s the most important conversation of all. I was in my room once revolving on the wheely three sixty degree chair, my favourite thing to do while studying. My sister came and paused at the door. I didn’t seem to notice her, but she was observing me having an intense conversation with myself. After a good actual-Maggi-minutes she burst out laughing. I learnt that not everyone talk to themselves. Please sit down alone once in a while and have a conversation out loud. Look into the mirror and say Hi! Write letters to yourself- I just did on this website- https://www.futureme.org/letters/public. Journal in locked notes. It will all make your words thoughtful and then every conversation you have will change your life.


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Reroute

One morning I woke up replaying an argument I had a few days ago and I lived with that thought playing in my head the whole day. This became normal after a few weeks. I couldn’t tell I was doing this, a few months down and it was habit before I realised. It’s a dark space to be in, I can see now that I’m not there anymore. Over thinking had become very natural to me and I didn’t want to call it depression. It’s a taboo, right?, to have depression and talk about it. I mean not everyone thinks it’s okay. Not even today.

From this dark space my mind could only operate like that, but from another view I knew I’m blessed beyond imagination. How do you decide in the worst second of your mood that you need to be seeing life from the sunny-beach eyes and not from some cold-cave-hollow-eyes(exaggerated)?  

It was the urge to live better and fulfilled but knowing what I deserve. Know your worth, that you deserve to feel good. My sister passed me on this advice she got -“if you know you’re doing the right thing, don’t let anything that anyone says or does affect you”. What does your conscience tell you? 

I think talking to her, sharing my space and taking help was the main thing. Need to know that I deserve better. Sulking, believing in the negative words voiced at you, playing victim, beating yourself up mentally, letting yourself think your life is controlled, it was all exhausting me and I could tell by the way I felt. I wanted better. A few friends heard me out, some pushed me away. I wasn’t giving up.

A while back I wrote about how I want to have a fulfilled experience of life and not just chase happiness. No emotions are wrong or bad. It’s the way we deal with it. Over time I’ve learnt to not resist any emotions. Feel it, leave the thought behind and just pick myself up and move. 

Do everything in my capacity to get back up for me. 

So it’s not like I’m mentally on the beach all the time, I still have rough moments in a day. I can choose to hold on to it and I can still add up everything that’s not happening the way I want it to. Every obstacle, everything that I’m being stopped from, every troubling incident that’s added to my memory like when you’ve added too much salt in your curry and you can’t take it out. Just trying to fix my curry as I pass every day. 

The idea is to not fix the curry, the salt is already added you trying to fix it is only going to make things worse. Just accept and make a new one.

Once I know I’m not able to think clearly I tell myself to “reroute”. Keep a list at hand -Dark chocolate(its magic), call sister, call a friend, take a shower, blare music, get a walk, Netflix, binge watch comedy videos (Sunil Grover) and read some inspiring stories online, . Not running away but just giving my mind some timeout, because when you’re emotional it’s not easy to tell the difference between sea breeze and cave chills.

So may we help each other in rough seas and pick ourselves up when there’s no one around, because who doesn’t like beaches.


Must Must Must watch this!!!

DO read! Very helpful! 

https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/ways-cultivate-good-gut-bacteria-reduce-depression/